Today, someone's Gmail status caught my eye that said - 'the biggest difference in the world is between what we are and what we could have been'. It set me thinking about several questions, all at once. Could I have been anything or anyone other than what I am? Would that difference have been a negative or positive one? Would have I been better, if not what I am? Could I ever know?
At first, my thoughts led me to jump to the conclusion that the message told me that I could have been much better than what I am. In the past 1 year, I have spent half a year at home, drinking tea with mom, watching TV, reading comics and googling random stuff, introspecting and retrospecting. The other half I spent interning in Germany, doing research. But an internship did not compare with a job in experience. Clearly I could have learnt more if I were working rather than interning or sitting at home. And yet, would that have really happened if I had taken up a job?
Looking back to an year ago, I was determined that I did not want the job that I had secured through campus placements. Nor did I manage to get another when I sent out some applications. Somehow I just managed to land on this internship opportunity which was supposed to change everything for good by giving me an international experience, a taste of what research could be like and give my resume a boost. At that point, I was sure that I wanted to pursue the field of my major - chemical engineering, and not something general like engineering level Finance or consulting. I was sure that MBA was too general for me, it did not teach me any specific skills.
I had my eyes set on doing an MS in the US of A, but getting funding seemed like a fat chance. Then I reached Germany, was fed by the prevalence of Ph.D.'s there and was convinced by a mentor-friend that Ph.D. was the thing for me if I wanted to become a leader. That's what I wanted to be. That's what I applied for and got admitted to.
My internship got over and I got some more time to kill at home - a good 4 months. I wanted to spend some of it travelling in India. And some other had to go in making preparations to go to US. The result was long free times between tit-bits of travelling.
What I regret the most in the past 1 year is my inability to use about 6 months, which I did not have free in a consolidated way. Could it have been better used? Maybe not. Only because I did all that I did, I reached at the point I am. Who knows, if I had taken a job at the initial Analytics firm, I wouldn't have liked it. Because I did not want it then.
Now when I have some free time to google about what life is going like for the next 4 years, I sometimes get scared thinking - is this what I want? Is it going to be worth the effort? Could I put that effort into something else and be more productive?
At this point, I recall that I have always had some qualms about what I was doing. I don't know about people who are always sure of what they are doing. But sometimes, I can see a future in my decision, and some times I just can't. The last time, when I had to take that job, I did not see myself into that kind of thing in the future. But now, I kinda do see a future for myself in my field. Maybe I don't see myself there clearly, because I haven't seen anyone there yet. I don't have enough examples. But has such a thing ever scared me? This time it does, a bit. Maybe all those people online saying Ph.D. is a waste of your 4 years are right. And if I even slightly believe that they are right, I will prove them right.
Here's the challenge - to do what I set out to do. Let me not give up. Let them not waver my resolve. If I believe I will make it, I will. Long ago, I never understood what it meant when they said - 'if you believe you will, you will'. May be because I never truly believed. And I don't want to lie to myself again. I truly believe. And I will make it.
Thinking back on that statement, I guess I can be what I want to be. Only that I want to be different things at different times. And the cycle lags. I want to become something today, and I reach there tomorrow. I need to cover up this time gap. Start living in today than living for tomorrow. The greatest difference is between what I am today and what I wanted to be today. I'm gonna cover that up.
At first, my thoughts led me to jump to the conclusion that the message told me that I could have been much better than what I am. In the past 1 year, I have spent half a year at home, drinking tea with mom, watching TV, reading comics and googling random stuff, introspecting and retrospecting. The other half I spent interning in Germany, doing research. But an internship did not compare with a job in experience. Clearly I could have learnt more if I were working rather than interning or sitting at home. And yet, would that have really happened if I had taken up a job?
Looking back to an year ago, I was determined that I did not want the job that I had secured through campus placements. Nor did I manage to get another when I sent out some applications. Somehow I just managed to land on this internship opportunity which was supposed to change everything for good by giving me an international experience, a taste of what research could be like and give my resume a boost. At that point, I was sure that I wanted to pursue the field of my major - chemical engineering, and not something general like engineering level Finance or consulting. I was sure that MBA was too general for me, it did not teach me any specific skills.
I had my eyes set on doing an MS in the US of A, but getting funding seemed like a fat chance. Then I reached Germany, was fed by the prevalence of Ph.D.'s there and was convinced by a mentor-friend that Ph.D. was the thing for me if I wanted to become a leader. That's what I wanted to be. That's what I applied for and got admitted to.
My internship got over and I got some more time to kill at home - a good 4 months. I wanted to spend some of it travelling in India. And some other had to go in making preparations to go to US. The result was long free times between tit-bits of travelling.
What I regret the most in the past 1 year is my inability to use about 6 months, which I did not have free in a consolidated way. Could it have been better used? Maybe not. Only because I did all that I did, I reached at the point I am. Who knows, if I had taken a job at the initial Analytics firm, I wouldn't have liked it. Because I did not want it then.
Now when I have some free time to google about what life is going like for the next 4 years, I sometimes get scared thinking - is this what I want? Is it going to be worth the effort? Could I put that effort into something else and be more productive?
At this point, I recall that I have always had some qualms about what I was doing. I don't know about people who are always sure of what they are doing. But sometimes, I can see a future in my decision, and some times I just can't. The last time, when I had to take that job, I did not see myself into that kind of thing in the future. But now, I kinda do see a future for myself in my field. Maybe I don't see myself there clearly, because I haven't seen anyone there yet. I don't have enough examples. But has such a thing ever scared me? This time it does, a bit. Maybe all those people online saying Ph.D. is a waste of your 4 years are right. And if I even slightly believe that they are right, I will prove them right.
Here's the challenge - to do what I set out to do. Let me not give up. Let them not waver my resolve. If I believe I will make it, I will. Long ago, I never understood what it meant when they said - 'if you believe you will, you will'. May be because I never truly believed. And I don't want to lie to myself again. I truly believe. And I will make it.
Thinking back on that statement, I guess I can be what I want to be. Only that I want to be different things at different times. And the cycle lags. I want to become something today, and I reach there tomorrow. I need to cover up this time gap. Start living in today than living for tomorrow. The greatest difference is between what I am today and what I wanted to be today. I'm gonna cover that up.
The greatest difference is between what I am today and what I wanted to be today...nice
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